Kavin Mehendra Smith and the Call Center Drama

When they first took over from the world, rendering the IT sector in Australia, US and Canada jobless, they would post such idiotic emails on jobs' boards as "We can do EVERYTHING at the cheapest price." It turned out that there were quite a few things they couldn't do.

Then they eyed the translation market and started popping up on Translation bidding boards, adding honorary degrees from non-existing universities. All of them spoke 6 to 7 languages and could translate tens more at the rate of 1c per page and 1500 words per hour. I've had a few of those present their CVs to my business, and could neither write English not understand the text in the languages presented them for test translation.

Then they took over the call centers, and as those who have listened to my Telstra MP3 that was presented here for a few months would have known, made pests of themselves. No skills, no manners, phoned at 2.00 AM, did not know the difference between madam and mister, and wanted to sell Australians mobiles. Australia, by the way, has the world's highest mobile phone to person ratio. Even I have 4 at home, and I am reticent.

Now even the Indian businesses are getting sick of the nonsense. As the Australian Broadcasting Corporation has reported (I suspect gleefully), Indian call centers have a staff shortage because.... Indians can no longer speak English.

"Call centers and outsourcing firms are growing fast, but their human resources employees despair because most of the young Indians they interview are, they say, "unemployable."

Some people in the IT industry have said that only one in 10 graduates is worth taking on. "Just look at their English," fumed a frustrated Mumbai-based call center manager as he waved around letters written by employees. One read: "As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave." Another said: "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

"The problem is not quantity but quality. Many of the 3.6 million graduates churned out every year by Indian universities are considered mediocre (...) Fluency in English apart, employers complained that graduates lacked computer skills, the ability to reason clearly, solve problems, think critically, analyze, work in teams and think creatively. "

I remember the guy who phoned me one afternoon and said he was phoning from what - to my aging ears - sounded like Amazon. I buy from Amazon in a few thousands per annum, so I was quite glad that they decided to call. The conversation however soon turned into a farce. The caller, obviously having difficulty with English, sounded like a broken record:

"We have an offer for your New Year. The offer will be delivered to your address.
"Oh, that's very nice of you. Thank you."
Pause.
"We have an offer for your New Year. The offer will be delivered to your address. Do not pay the delivery person.."
"Hold on a second," says me. "I never pay any delivery persons. What are you talking about?"
Pause and a breath.
"We have an offer for your New Year. The offer will be delivered to your address. Do not pay the delivery person. There will be a box in the delivery and a surprise in the box."
"Listen, stop reading the whole thing back at me. I got it from the first time. I asked you why I should not pay the delivery. Where did you say you were phoning me from?"
An annoyed (exasparated?) breath. "
"We have an offer for your New Year. The offer will be delivered to your address. Do not pay the delivery person. There will be a box in the delivery and a surprise in the box . The box contains a brand new Nokia mobile, a head set...."
I hang up!

Of course the lack of skills in India has not solved ALL the problems of the shelved workers in the First, English-speaking countries :-) "Disgruntled British and American workers who have seen their jobs outsourced to India could get them back — with one catch. They need to move to India where their English and their accents will be an asset." God help me if I would sell my freedom and work for an Indian. However, some young, inexperienced hotheads are doing precisely that - from school to Mumbai call centre. Not that I am going to be any nicer to them if they can speak MY English. The three teet-teet-teet signals of an overseas call will blow their cover - and permit me to be as nasty as I currently am.

Oh, before I forget. Who said Indians were not creative??? Since mad Britons are still few and far between, why not impersonate one? Early November, I had a 3Teet call and someone with a THICK Indian accent introduced himself as "Kavin Smith from Melbourne".

Gimmie a break, matey! Kavin my holy a**.