Courted by an idiot (31 May 2005)

I got a strange email from C*, a guy from Hong Kong according to the address adorning his email. I am quoting his message verbatim because I don't think I could write it better than him. Please remember, he owns a translation agency:
_________________________________________
Dear Ms. Sam, *****
I have seen your resume posted in Pro. Firstly, you are well-qualified candidates such as me. Especially, you have an advanced course. When we have some job during busyness, will you consider helping me for the freelance job in the future, pleasing advice? If you consent long term freelance corporate with our company. Please provide 1. Your payment method for done every task. 2. Msn (email account), more convenience for our conversation. 3. Your pricing per source per word I expect you will reply me and let me know you can afford the task or reject. Don't delay submission every task.
Also, check your email every time in available for emergency job abnormality. Every jobs return word format in necessary Further, every task will write down the job free and deadline. Please treat this as a long term freelance as many of our clients will require translation for their projects throughout the year.
Yours sincerely,
C*____________________________________________________________________
I am particularly touched by that coma between my name and surname. Then again, isn't it a blessing to be a "well-qualified" candidate. And of course I do busyness and will be "pleasing advice" - all my busyness is pleasing and advancing, bloody hell.
I did a bit of research on Mr. C*. The website looks professional enough, but in cyberspace no one knows I am a dog. Some more digging turned up a number of unhappy translators who weren't paid by Mr. C* and who swore they'll never work for the guy again. So I politely replied that I seldom worked with unknown entities and suggested he may want to write his emails in Chinese and have someone translate them into proper English since I had difficulty understanding his email. I hoped that would be the end of Mr. C*. I was not prepared for what happened next:
_____________________________________________
Dear Ms. Sam, ******
Thank you for your prompt response.

My Msn account is handsome_chris****@hotmail.com


I will send you have any translation job of ( English <> Arabic) immediately

I have interested to have opportunity collaboration with you.

____________________________________________________________
Handsome Chris my ass, mate! Are you a dating agency by any means. The colours, by the way, are his. So is the use of multiple fonts. Tacky to nth degree. But that was just the tip of the idiotism.

Sensing that I was less than happy about his presentation, Mr. Handsome Dork proceeded to send me his business profile. Please get your incontinence pads ready - you will need them:

We are *** Translation Service Company, an international provider of translation service and technology solutions, with back offices in English.

Few lines later:

We are Business process outsourcing company, based in the United Kingdom, with our back offices in Europea and Japan.

Where is Europea? Near Australea??

Soon after:
We provide Translation Services in European and Asian languages, through our centres in Holland and India.


And a paragraph later:
We provide Translation from and into many European Languages and most Asian languages, through our centers located in Hong Kong and Mainland.
Ehm, where is Wally?
We would like to specially emphasize that we are an agency whose business mission is to position ourselves between Enterprises like yours and the numerous independent translators. Instead of dealing with various independent translators, you have the advantage of dealing with a single agency like OURS; we have a panel of translators on our rolls. And our pricing is similar to that of the independent translators, so that you find us cost effective, since we work mainly on large volumes
You are telling me that you get work off big businesses, then underpay your translators for doing the job. By the Prophet Lot, the only translator rolls you have are made from paper and used for you know what.... And I bet, judging by your email, that you do machine translations on Babelfish and send them off to your clients as the original work of Samuel Beckett and Thomas Mann!!
For manuals and other demanding literature CTSC only uses specialists who have hands
Oh my God.. for the rest of materials you use amputees who type out with their feet???
The ready translation is always proofread, edited and then refined by a native-speaking stylist. In this way, we can provide you with an adequate and literate translation.

Glad to know his translations can adequately decipher writing – do they come in “audio book” formats? The native-speaking stylist, I assume, is a hairdresser?
The scary thing is that Mr. Handsome Chris signs himself as Bs. Law. A Law Unto Himself, probably.
Audacity knows no limits in this world of ours. He got a reply from me that shut him up for now - if he can read my Queen's English, of course.
******
I retract every word I said. He wrote to me again. I am quoting verbatim, it's just too good to let go into the Delete Bin without sharing:
___________________________________________________
Dear Ms. Sam, *****

Thanks for your enquiry again. Apart from time constraint. Here're my answers:

Firstly, Our Company established in Hong Kong since 1992, but we have developed a branch in French to operation in 2000

Secondary, I'm a lawyer, my English ability to communication with freelance absolutely. When I have taken mistake, up to the time hereof, I have not revised the in grammatical, that causing the proofread fellow in attention. I admit.

Thirty. Apropos of the liberty to post a remark on our agency at the proz.
Up to the events hereof, their have not revised the in grammatical and meaning unacceptable Translation. Clearly, their have been, and still are, not ready or able to perform his obligations under the contract with My client is surprised that their (two translators) has to do it almost over again and apparently very disappointed with me. Additionally, I have spent quite a bit of time in polishing your translation, and I amended all the files according to my client's request, thus it took me twice of my usual time in handling a project. I can't settle the bill for this job ascribed to the captioned reasons.


Fourthly, we have concerted from our client to post and reveal into website.

Finally. However this fact would not be a big problem for us to operate in the market.
As I mentioned in the MSN communicating, if you wants to get a response in correct English from our office or from me directly,
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