Englishes - not limited to, but limited (20 February 2005)

I was working on my news analysis job, trying to match an obviously manufactured piece of news in Arabic to its alleged AFP source. The bit is about one of the Palestinian candidates at the recent elections - and the guy talks in the interview about RIP Sheikh Yassin of Hamas.
Using Google, I tried in vain to find ANY interview by the said candidate. I did, however, come across this piece of news on usa.mediamonitors.net, a service of MMN International (whatever that is). The writer is, according to MMN, noted journalist, editor of '(A sub-continent English speaking) Times', political analyst and ex-Director News (sub-continent country) TV.
Well, one vood tink dat if you are from the sub-coontinent, then you rite correct English. At least all my sub-continent kids did at school. If you manage to be an editor and a director, albeit "ex", then you should be writing even better. Judge for yerselves, ladies and gentlemen:
"Teensy moments of Monday surfaced with an atypical, yet projected epoch as the fabulous emblem of the breathing spirit of the Palestinians was put extinguished by the fuming gunship helicopters, prima facie chasing such a course—since long."
Can anyone please translate this for me? I don't think when the three missiles hit Sheikh Yassin, they were teensy. Nor was Yassin. He was dead. Not according to Mr. Editor, who has post-humously changed the guy into the Prophet Elijah:
"Though, the charismatic Sheikh Ahmed Yaseen has taken off for Heavens, his evaporation by a vindictive rule in Tel Aviv has opened a Pandora Box, not only for the people of Palestine but equally for the Israelis, who may face perils of enormous magnitude in the wake of this ill-fated episode."
Holy cow, I didn't know they buried the guy in an aerosol can. And the Israelis now face "enormous perils" to be sure - "least uptight on the upshot of such a milieu, Israel has, in a way affronted the US-binged Roadmap for ‘Peace’ in the Middle East, plugging all vistas for taking this hallucination into a reality."
I have serious doubts about who is hallucinating here!